The Bible says in Ecclesiastes 3: 1 “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens”
So I ask the question, when is the right time to start dating? This is a very important question in this generation where everything ‘goes’…even elementary school students want to date.
A lot of kids would love to own cars…driving it is so appealing and looks fun but should we let them, just because they want to? Of course not…even the society sets an age for that.
There is more to owning a car than just jumping in the driver seat and pumping gas…it is a huge responsibility. I remember those students that brought their parents’ cars when I was in High School…they drove these cars the way the real owners would never have driven them. They drove the cars without any regards for their lives…we called it stunting and would hail them when they did the dangerous maneuverings. Some died after they took their parents cars without proper driving lessons and without any knowledge of driving rules and regulations.
There is this wise saying that when purpose is unknown, abuse is inevitable…let’s start by asking “what is the purpose of dating?”
The ultimate reason for dating is to find a spouse…so it suffices to say that the defining purpose of dating is to find someone to marry. It makes sense, therefore, to say that a person should begin dating ONLY when he/she is at an age and stage in life when marriage is a realistic possibility.
Isn’t it funny how there is an age restriction on cigarettes and alcohol but there is none on dating or sex?
Isn’t it strange that most of us put dating before emotional maturity?
Isn’t it weird that most of us had our first boyfriend/girlfriend before we knew anything about LOVE?
Come to think of it, how many of us know the whereabouts of our so-called first love?
Consciously or Sub-consciously, females look for the security of emotional support…that feeling of being cherished by another person; being somebody’s ‘one and only’ (like they say). It is a natural thing for a female to crave the attention of a male in her life. The Bible says “Your desire will be for your husband…’ Genesis 3:16
Males on the other hand, are looking for an outlet for their growing urges and desires (mostly sexual)…which also brings about craving attention from females. It is this stirring of manhood in a male and womanhood in a female through adolescence that heighten our interest in dating. I was once a teenager with urges and I know what we talked about as boys and our reasons for wanting to date girls.
Don’t date just because your hormones want to.
By the way, when the right time comes to start dating, these feelings will not disappear. There will always be the struggle of keeping growing desires under control.
Someone once asked me if it’s possible to date ‘purely’…of course. It requires self-discipline and maturity which are virtues missing in kids and even most teenagers.
Maturity is of essence before dating…Physical Maturity, Emotional maturity (which is VERY IMPORTANT if marriage will work), Spiritual Maturity (trust me some people are spiritual giants and emotional dwarfs), Financial Maturity (Some people have wardrobes that are more expensive than their brains…they would rather invest in intangibles. They live for NOW without any plans for the future). This is a discussion for another day…back to dating.
Dating too early leads to ‘serial dating’. Once you are no longer his ‘one and only’ or once you no longer get the sexual gratification from her; you jump into another relationship that promises to fill this neediness. From one to the next…trial-and-error with a trail of regrets and emotional fragmentation.
Dating too early increases the chances of Pre-marital sex. There is a higher likelihood of eating my dinner hours early, if it’s already made and put within my reach. Why turn on the oven when you are not really ready to bake?
It shouldn’t be that complicated…how many times should a girl get her heart broken before she finds Mr. Right?
How many times should a girl fall in and out of being a different man’s “one and only” before she realizes that she is worth loving and being truly cherished as one man’s “one and only true love” for life?
The Option Of Friendship
What most young people and teenagers need is friendship not dating. An avenue to interact and relate with the opposite sex…it’s a way to “eat your cake and have it”. It gives you the opportunity to discover certain admirable qualities in your friends and those qualities that you cannot stand. Imagine enjoying all this without the pressure of a relationship…getting all the fringe benefits of dating without the confusion or regrets. This helps you to start forming an idea of what it is you are looking for in a future spouse and when it is time to start dating, you know exactly what you are looking for. Compare a guy that is going to the mall to get a pair of shoes and another guy that is going to get a pair of black lace up boots…the guy with an idea of what he wants would most likely spend less time trying on different types of shoes.
But I will miss out on all the emotional and physical intimacy…trust me, you are not missing out on anything.
I once saw this beautiful girl (she must be around 16 years old) at the Passport Office in Nigeria, there she was with this guy that looked everything like a motor-park tout. The guy was kissing her and was all over her. It was as if my wife read my mind…she said “one day, that girl is going to regret letting someone like that touch her. By the time she realizes her worth; undeserving predators would have pounced and trampled on it”. The Bible says “Don't you realize that the person who unites himself with a prostitute becomes one body with her?” - 1 Corinthians 6:16 which explains why ‘bed-hopping’ in the name of dating can be dangerous and disastrous coupled with all the emotional baggage which is carried from one relationship to the next…and ultimately into marriage.
Come to think of it, by the time you get married, what positive contributions would the past relationships bring into your marriage?
Truth is, most of the past dates would have been better as friends…because if they had stayed friends, you would be able to enjoy those memories…instead of spending a lifetime, trying to get them out of your mind and heart. By the time you get married with a family, you would realize, in hindsight, and wish you had chosen to save it all up for your spouse; everything…your affection, your kisses, even your emotional intimacy.
Singleness Is Not A Disease
It may feel that way, but you will not be single forever. If you end up getting married, you will spend more time as a married person than you have spent being single. It’s an interlude…ENJOY IT. Enjoy the freedom, enjoy the independence, enjoy the fewer responsibilities, build kingdom networks, Consecrate your life to the lord, develop your talents, travel the world (if that’s your dream), take that course “Don't let the excitement of youth cause you to forget your Creator. Honor him in your youth before you grow old and say, "Life is not pleasant anymore." – Ecclesiastes 12:1
Set Dating, Courtship And Marriage Goals
What do you want out of life? What kind of marriage are you hoping to have? What kind of relationship do you want with your future spouse? What kind of man/woman do you want to marry?
Work these things out first…don’t just jump into the uncertainties of dating without a plan. Prepare yourself for dating…read books, empower yourself for dating. learn about dating and marriage
There are people that date early and somehow figure it out…not a lot though.
Proverbs 16: 9 says “In their hearts humans plan their course, but the LORD establishes their steps”. Pray for God to establish your steps but don’t fail to plan your course also.
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