Companionship II

If you missed the first part, you can catch it here

When you dread being alone with your partner, know for sure that you do not have a companion.

Companionship is a two way road…you cannot want a companion if you won’t be a companion. The Bible says “A man that has friends must show himself friendly…” Proverbs 18:24. Companionship is a bit deeper than friendship though…it is a closeness or familiarity, a fellowship between two people who have found a connection.

Companionship can never be attained without being friends first

Companionship can never be attained where there is selfishness.

Companionship can never be attained where there is laziness (it is built over time and requires resilience and hard work. If you want a successful companionship, you need to resolve to work hard to build and maintain a sense of closeness, familiarity, warmth and affection. Your bond may break without this factor, no matter how strong it was at the beginning)

Companionship can never be attained where there is deceit and unfaithfulness

Companionship can never be attained where there is CONSTANT disagreement (Can two walk together without agreeing on direction? Amos 3:3)

Companionship can never be attained without openness

Companionship can never be attained if your words and actions don’t match (If you truly care about someone, show them you care. Words are cheap)

Companionship can never be attained if you do not make time for each other

Companionship can never be attained without commitment

Companionship can never be attained without a forgiving heart (...bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you) Colossians 3:13

People get married for all kinds of reasons but ask anyone with a lasting/standing marriage, he or she found a companion. Companionship will go with you all the way…when sex fails, when beauty fades, when the children are no longer in the house, companionship keeps the house a home.

How to meet a man’s need for companionship in a relationship

Be his friend – It does not matter how many friends he has, you have to be his best friend. The person he talks to first. The person he shares his secrets and fears with.

Be pleasant/cheerful – nagging, being grumpy, being pessimistic, always appearing sad/depressed are natural/organic male-repellant. Irrespective of what went wrong during the day, smile when you see him. Save the frustrations for later and keep them in perspective. Talk about the positives first…talk about the positives more. The Bible says “A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a depressed spirit saps a person’s strength” Proverbs 17:22

Speak his ‘Language’ – make time once in a while to talk about the things that interest him. His sports, his team, his passion. You will be amazed at the connection this can build.

Find and enjoy Mutual hobbies – Find something fun that both of you enjoy and can do together. Even if it’s grocery shopping or just walking around the neighborhood. There has to be something.

Play games together – find a game you both enjoy (not a gameshow). Preferably a board game and enjoy an hour together doing this.

Be a good listener – give your man room to express his frustrations about whatever bothers him. Even if you don’t see why he should, let him…don’t pick out faults in what he is saying. Let him vent…know when to offer sympathy and know when to offer advice.

How to meet a woman’s need for companionship in a relationship

Be her diary – A woman wants to talk about everything. The guy that cut her off on the freeway, on her way from work. The co-worker that was mean to her. The funny suit a co-worker was wearing today. The ridiculous hike in the price of tomatoes. The viral video she saw on social media.

One of a woman’s principal needs in a companion is someone to have a conversation with. Someone she can pour out everything in her heart to. Frequent conversation will help her to feel psychologically connected to you. Most men find time to talk to women while dating them but the moment we marry them, all the conversations somehow start getting annoying, boring, unnecessary, repetitive…this is a VERY WRONG move. Don’t ever give your woman a reason to shut you out. Be that man she fell in love with again …she needs to have a pleasant conversation with you, without distractions, for a minimum of 30 minutes EVERY DAY. A woman lacking such quality conversation with her man  tend to resort to nagging and faultfinding in an attempt to meet this need on at least a rudimentary level. Fill her need for conversation, and you will likely find that she becomes less inclined to nag and be irritable.

Please Listen – Letting her talk is different from watching her rant. Show her that you are genuinely interested in what she has to say. Look at her in the eyes when listening…it builds a bond. Don’t pre-empt, or interrupt…your complete attention is important. Don’t find faults; don’t be quick to tell her where she was wrong. Truth is, the more you listen, the more she will talk….the more she will share. Talking gives a woman pleasure. Indulging her in this pleasure-finding adventure will give her warm feelings for you. This will make her want to be patient with you and nice to you. (Trust me, there are days you will need to cash in on the patience).

Make her laugh – Don’t be that soulless, overly serious, anti-fun, anti-social guy. Dude, when you are too serious, you ain’t much fun….make your woman laugh. Have fun together. Laughter always breaks the ice.

Speak her ‘Language’ – make time once in a while to talk about the things that interest her. Watch her favorite shows with her once in a while.

Tame the Beast – Men are naturally temperamental. It takes wisdom to control it. Don’t be that door slamming, table punching, cursing, storming out in rage kinda guy. The book of proverbs says a lot of things about controlling one’s anger

He who is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who is quick-tempered exalts folly Chapter 14 verse 29

He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit, than he who captures a city Chapter 16 verse 32

A fool always loses his temper, but a wise man holds it back Chapter 29 verse 11

Let it flow – Men are also naturally secretive and we tend to bottle things up…but don’t be afraid to let your feelings show, even if it’s just a little. Showing her you can be vulnerable is also showing her you are human.

Season your words with salt – This is very important. When you talk to your woman, BE PLEASANT. Don’t just say what you feel, how you feel…there are times you have to keep quiet and it speaks volume. There are times you need a time out to structure your words so you don’t affect the structure of your relationship. Words can hurt and words can erode a person’s self-esteem, especially coming from someone you care about. Learn how to TAME your tongue. The bible says “Whoso keeps his mouth and his tongue keeps his soul from troubles” Proverbs 21:23

Picture credit (c) Quality Home Care

Companionship 1

I have seen some great quotes about companionship and company…here are a few of them

“No road is long with good company” – Turkish Proverb

“Life's most deep feelings are often expressed in silence and the one who can read volumes from your silence is your true companion” - Ritu Ghatourey

“A pleasure companion on a journey is as good as a carriage” -Syrus

“By ourselves we can enjoy life, but to really appreciate life we must find companionship” - Unknown

Above all, the Bible says in Genesis 2:18 “The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a companion for him who is suitable for him."

The word Companionship, as a noun, means the good feeling that comes from being with someone else. It is a feeling of fellowship or friendship.

Dr. Leo Buscaglia defined companionship as “that state of being friends, but it goes a deeper than even a friendship. It is a closeness or familiarity, a true fellowship among two people who for whatever reasons have truly connected”

One main element that is hard to come by in marriages, in our time, is COMPANIONSHIP.
That person that stays with you through thick and thin…
That person that says something to you and you feel like the weight of the world just got lifted off your shoulder.
That person you can’t wait to share ‘how it all went down’ with.
That person that makes you feel like indeed it’s worth everything you are giving. That person that connects with you on deeper, non-sexual levels.
That person you can spend the whole day with and not get bored.
That person that seems to get you when nobody else knows what you are talking about.
That person you can truly call your friend.
That person that can kind of read your mind because he/she knows you that well.

As humans, we’ve been made to crave companionship…this deep connection. God saw this need and made provision for it. However, there are times we try to fill it with other ‘quick fix’ alternatives but when the chips are down, our hearts still long for that connection. When we’ve had our fill of the alternatives, the craving returns. Adam was lucky because he did not have to do a lot of searching to find his companion. In our time, we need to search till we find this person...and it can be dangerous if we settle for something else.

It is so easy to find someone to sleep with

It is so easy to find someone to hang out with

It is so easy to find someone to use and abuse

But it is a daunting task to find a companion; some people go through 3 marriages before finding that suitable companion.

Companionship is far more intimate than even romance…it usually is the basis for two people wanting to remain together. The day you no longer see a companion in your spouse, that’s the day you want out. Have you heard people say something like “We drifted apart”…it’s just another way of saying there is no companionship anymore.

To Be Continued...

picture credit (c) wallpaperweb.org

© 2015 Lanre Olagbaju All Rights Reserved

Good To Go?

The first time I invited my girlfriend (now wife) to come with me to my folks place for Christmas, she insisted that I needed to tell her folks and whatever they said, she would do. 
I agreed, talked to them and they granted the request...after I had explained exactly what we would be doing in 'Ibadan' and how long we would be there for.
She scored major points with me that day...the fact that I couldn't just whisk her away like someone without oversight.
Dear young lady,
Put VALUE on yourself...don't let any man see you as a sure "good to go". 
The word value is defined as "the regard that something is held to deserve; the importance, worth, or usefulness of something".

It's your life, but one of the ways a man values you is when he knows he is accountable to someone for the time you are with him. Don't sell yourself cheap, don't shortchange yourself. If it truly has value, it shouldn't be easy to get.
A guy gives you a 3-minute notice for an 'Abuja' trip and you jump at it...running helter skelter to pack? Whatever you see there, don't blame the guy...he got it cheap and usually, people don't care much for cheap products. 
Guys, look before you leap. You will not "Shi-marry" in Jesus' name

Proverbs 8:11 says "For wisdom is better than jewels; And all desirable things cannot compare with her"

(c) Picture credit scorenashvile.org

The Best Time To Date Is?

The Bible says in Ecclesiastes 3: 1 “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens”

So I ask the question, when is the right time to start dating? This is a very important question in this generation where everything ‘goes’…even elementary school students want to date.

A lot of kids would love to own cars…driving it is so appealing and looks fun but should we let them, just because they want to? Of course not…even the society sets an age for that.

There is more to owning a car than just jumping in the driver seat and pumping gas…it is a huge responsibility. I remember those students that brought their parents’ cars when I was in High School…they drove these cars the way the real owners would never have driven them. They drove the cars without any regards for their lives…we called it stunting and would hail them when they did the dangerous maneuverings. Some died after they took their parents cars without proper driving lessons and without any knowledge of driving rules and regulations.

There is this wise saying that when purpose is unknown, abuse is inevitable…let’s start by asking “what is the purpose of dating?”

The ultimate reason for dating is to find a spouse…so it suffices to say that the defining purpose of dating is to find someone to marry. It makes sense, therefore, to say that a person should begin dating ONLY when he/she is at an age and stage in life when marriage is a realistic possibility.

Isn’t it funny how there is an age restriction on cigarettes and alcohol but there is none on dating or sex?

Isn’t it strange that most of us put dating before emotional maturity?

Isn’t it weird that most of us had our first boyfriend/girlfriend before we knew anything about LOVE?

Come to think of it, how many of us know the whereabouts of our so-called first love?

Consciously or Sub-consciously, females look for the security of emotional support…that feeling of being cherished by another person; being somebody’s ‘one and only’ (like they say). It is a natural thing for a female to crave the attention of a male in her life. The Bible says “Your desire will be for your husband…’ Genesis 3:16

Males on the other hand, are looking for an outlet for their growing urges and desires (mostly sexual)…which also brings about craving attention from females. It is this stirring of manhood in a male and womanhood in a female through adolescence that heighten our interest in dating. I was once a teenager with urges and I know what we talked about as boys and our reasons for wanting to date girls.

Don’t date just because your hormones want to.

By the way, when the right time comes to start dating, these feelings will not disappear. There will always be the struggle of keeping growing desires under control.

Someone once asked me if it’s possible to date ‘purely’…of course. It requires self-discipline and maturity which are virtues missing in kids and even most teenagers.

Maturity is of essence before dating…Physical Maturity, Emotional maturity (which is VERY IMPORTANT if marriage will work), Spiritual Maturity (trust me some people are spiritual giants and emotional dwarfs), Financial Maturity (Some people have wardrobes that are more expensive than their brains…they would rather invest in intangibles. They live for NOW without any plans for the future). This is a discussion for another day…back to dating.

Dating too early leads to ‘serial dating’. Once you are no longer his ‘one and only’ or once you no longer get the sexual gratification from her; you jump into another relationship that promises to fill this neediness. From one to the next…trial-and-error with a trail of regrets and emotional fragmentation.

Dating too early increases the chances of Pre-marital sex. There is a higher likelihood of eating my dinner hours early, if it’s already made and put within my reach. Why turn on the oven when you are not really ready to bake?

It shouldn’t be that complicated…how many times should a girl get her heart broken before she finds Mr. Right?

How many times should a girl fall in and out of being a different man’s “one and only” before she realizes that she is worth loving and being truly cherished as one man’s “one and only true love” for life?

The Option Of Friendship

What most young people and teenagers need is friendship not dating. An avenue to interact  and relate with the opposite sex…it’s a way to “eat your cake and have it”. It gives you the opportunity to discover certain admirable qualities in your friends and those qualities that you cannot stand. Imagine enjoying all this without the pressure of a relationship…getting all the fringe benefits of dating without the confusion or regrets. This helps you to start forming an idea of what it is you are looking for in a future spouse and when it is time to start dating, you know exactly what you are looking for. Compare a guy that is going to the mall to get a pair of shoes and another guy that is going to get a pair of black lace up boots…the guy with an idea of what he wants would most likely spend less time trying on different types of shoes.

But I will miss out on all the emotional and physical intimacy…trust me, you are not missing out on anything.

I once saw this beautiful girl (she must be around 16 years old) at the Passport Office in Nigeria, there she was with this guy that looked everything like a motor-park tout. The guy was kissing her and was all over her. It was as if my wife read my mind…she said “one day, that girl is going to regret letting someone like that touch her. By the time she realizes her worth; undeserving predators would have pounced and trampled on it”. The Bible says “Don't you realize that the person who unites himself with a prostitute becomes one body with her?” - 1 Corinthians 6:16 which explains why ‘bed-hopping’ in the name of dating can be dangerous and disastrous coupled with all the emotional baggage which is carried from one relationship to the next…and ultimately into marriage.

Come to think of it, by the time you get married, what positive contributions would the past relationships bring into your marriage?

Truth is, most of the past dates would have been better as friends…because if they had stayed friends, you would be able to enjoy those memories…instead of spending a lifetime, trying to get them out of your mind and heart. By the time you get married with a family, you would realize, in hindsight, and wish you had chosen to save it all up for your spouse; everything…your affection, your kisses, even your emotional intimacy.

Singleness Is Not A Disease

It may feel that way, but you will not be single forever. If you end up getting married, you will spend more time as a married person than you have spent being single. It’s an interlude…ENJOY IT. Enjoy the freedom, enjoy the independence, enjoy the fewer responsibilities, build kingdom networks, Consecrate your life to the lord, develop your talents, travel the world (if that’s your dream), take that course “Don't let the excitement of youth cause you to forget your Creator. Honor him in your youth before you grow old and say, "Life is not pleasant anymore." – Ecclesiastes 12:1

Set Dating, Courtship And Marriage Goals

What do you want out of life? What kind of marriage are you hoping to have? What kind of relationship do you want with your future spouse? What kind of man/woman do you want to marry?

Work these things out first…don’t just jump into the uncertainties of dating without a plan. Prepare yourself for dating…read books, empower yourself for dating. learn about dating and marriage

There are people that date early and somehow figure it out…not a lot though.

Proverbs 16: 9 says “In their hearts humans plan their course, but the LORD establishes their steps”. Pray for God to establish your steps but don’t fail to plan your course also.

Picture credit (c) HerpesDatingSites

R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

The word respect, as a noun, means a feeling or understanding that someone or something is important or serious and should be treated in an appropriate way. As a verb, it means to admire (someone or something) deeply, as a result of their abilities, qualities, or achievements.

In relationships, people approach respect from the perspective of what they should be “getting”…forgetting that it has a “giving” component as well. Respect has both inlet and outlet; that is why it is not demanded…instead it is reciprocated. There should never be a point where you get so close to someone that respect is off the table. We all need respect, especially from those who are closest and most intimately connected with us.

Romans 13: 7 says “Pay to all what is owed to them: taxes to whom taxes are owed, revenue to whom revenue is owed, respect to whom respect is owed, honor to whom honor is owed”

Respect is not achievable without humility…at the same time; respect is not attainable for someone that lacks self-esteem. Self-esteem is not the same thing as being full of oneself. However, it is good to have an unshakeable conviction that your thoughts, feelings and even your body deserve respect. If you are truly convinced that you are worthy of respect, people are unlikely to doubt it. To be respected, you have to KNOW that you deserve respect.

Respect is deeper than speaking politely to others or a child obeying his/her parents. True respect always seeks to validate the respected; making them feel safe and affirmed within the relationship. To truly be respected, we must also respect. If you can’t find anything in your partner worth respecting, I suggest you consider why you are even in the relationship.

When you respect someone -

You respect each other’s boundaries. A boundary is a line that a person does not want crossed…for example, a girl tells a boy she is not sleeping with him till they get married, that’s a boundary. The boy shows respect by not pestering her for sex. Boundaries are good for any relationship that will be healthy. Discounting the things that your partner is passionate about is also crossing the boundary. You can discuss such things, if you feel they are overdoing it, but don’t make him/her feel like it’s not important.

You do not disregard their good qualities and amplify their flaws. Nobody is perfect and there are times that we will let our partners down. When he/she falls short, affirm the good qualities/positive contributions to the relationship over the flaws. It shows respect, it lowers the person’s defenses and makes it easier to resolve the issue

You compromise. You do not always have to be right…when you are wrong, please admit it. Learn how to agree to disagree. Don’t throw a fit because you’re wrong…don’t gloat too when you are right. The important thing is that both of you listen to each other and value what each person has to say. Nobody is right 100% of the time…even a stopped watch is right twice a day. There are times you have to be wrong as a sign of respect to your partner (if you know what I mean). What’s more important…your opinion or your relationship? Philippians 2: 4 says “…Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others”

You choose your words carefully. Words are powerful and how they are used in a relationship shows respect or a lack of it. Words are like eggs, once broken, they are hard to put back together. So before you go on a ‘war of words’ with your partner, what are you trying to accomplish? Punishment? Change? Diplomacy is likely to achieve it, if change is your goal. You cannot claim to respect someone and say things anyhow…only inconsiderate people claim to be blunt when talking to others. If you are wise enough to conceal your   ‘bluntness’ at the court when talking to the judge or when talking to your boss…it means your bluntness is selective. Say what’s on your mind without poisoning the mind of the person you are saying it to. Ephesians 4:29 says “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear”. If what you want to say will not build up, is not relevant, or does not give grace to the hearer, shush!

You show consideration. Sincerity in compliments, thoughtfulness toward your partner, helping around the house…who said she has to be the one to cook dinner always? But if you are a kitchen disaster waiting to happen…help with other things. Value each other’s opinion

You treat them the way you want to be treated. You hate being called dumb but that’s the first thing that rolls off your tongue when you are quarrelling with people. Implementing this requires emotional restraint. Any mature relationship that will be successful/foster the growth of both people must be based on this principle. The Bible says “…Outdo one another in showing respect” Romans 12:10

Your word is your bond. Lies weaken trust in a relationship and ultimately weaken respect. Stop lying…stop breaking promises.

Let me end with this statement…”Respect means recognizing our own worth - and the worth of others. When we respect our partner, we are able to rise above pettiness, jealousy and cruelty. When we respect ourselves, we are able to transcend insecurity, defensiveness and fear. And respecting both ourselves and our partners enables us to build strong, lasting and mutually-supportive relationships” - National Healthy Marriage Resource Center (NHMRC)

 

Close The Gap

Most couples start out enjoying each other’s company. It’s as if time flies by anytime they are together. It’s so easy to love each other and spend time together. But it gets to a point where it seems there is nothing to say to each other anymore. The intimacy and trust once enjoyed just disappear; and in its place…fussing, bickering, long silences, and hurried conversations. Boredom instead of excitement. Everything done for the union feels like ‘hard labor’ and the marriage feels like a prison sentence.  

Are you at this juncture in your marriage? The good news is; it is NEVER too late to renew intimacy in a marriage. It starts by closing the GAP between you and your spouse.

NEVER allow a GAP between you and your spouse...a gap only means he/she is slipping away. 

Communication GAP is the most noticeable in MARRIAGE. It is not necessarily caused by distance but it comes as a result of other gaps...like 

INTELLECTUAL gap. 

SPIRITUAL gap 

ACADEMIC gap

INTEREST gap 

PHYSICAL gap 

HYGIENE gap 

FINANCIAL gap

 
If your spouse is going back to school, do something too...take a course, show that you also wanna improve

If your spouse starts working out and being health-conscious, start too. (He/She is looking younger while you are looking/acting older than your age)

If your spouse starts making a lot of money, work hard too (This applies to men especially. it's not a competition, but you don't wanna be seen as a lazy pest)

Let your spouse's interests, interest you...update yourself on his/her field so that he/she feels comfortable discussing these things with you. 

You are married to a Medical Doctor and you don't know what a catheter is.
Your husband is a football/soccer FANATIC and you don't even know the club he supports.
Your spouse is a minister and you are always the last to get to church. 

Most people have no idea what their spouses' jobs entail

When you see your spouse down or unhappy, ask what is wrong and what you can do to help

Step out of your comfort zone and out of the everyday routine. Break the cycle of boredom…find a new activity you can enjoy together with your spouse.

I speak peace to every ailing marriage in Jesus' name

Before You Lose Control...

ANGER is defined as a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility 

There is no way we can avoid anger when we deal with people...at work, in our relationships, in marriage even in the Church. 

Ephesians 4:26 says “"In your anger do not sin"...New Living Translation puts it like this "don't sin by letting anger control you."
Anger is totally NORMAL and NATURAL...what you do with it, is what determines if you sin or not. 

Ever heard the phrase “I lost control...”? When we yield CONTROL to Anger, that’s when we sin. 

The simple logic is this...what you wouldn’t do when you are not angry, DON’T do out of anger. 

Learn to EXPRESS your anger not INFLICT it. Proverbs 29:11 says “A fool gives FULL vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control”

Let the person that caused the anger KNOW why you are angry...be assertive, not rude.

Let your anger be transient...”Anger DWELLS only in the bosom of fools” –Albert Einstein. 

The Bible even tells us “not to let the Sun go down on our anger”, which suggests that God expects our anger to diffuse within a certain period of time.

When Angry...
Watch what you say...be the one talking, not your anger

Don’t make decisions...wait till you are calm

No grudges, no resentments 

And above all, don’t be out for revenge (Vengeance is the Lord’s)

There is this wise saying "Anger is poison; you must purge it from your mind or else it will corrupt your better nature" - Christopher Paoplini

Whenever you are BOILING with RAGE always remember James 1:19-20 “My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires”.

Ecclesiastes 7: 9 also says "Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools"

God help us in Jesus’ name

Picture credit shutterstock.com

The Playmaker

As a man, can you put dinner on the stove, chicken in the oven, plug hot water for the kids’ night bath, fold laundry, back a baby, talk on the phone while keeping an ear out for the others playing in their room, all at the same time?
A GOOD woman is an ASSET to the home...she is the playmaker in the team...the Joker in the deck of cards...everything revolves around her.

Unfortunately, a lot of men leave them on the bench and out of the picture when they are needed most. Women are natural ORGANIZERS, they are resilient, coordinated, devoted, and they can handle STRESS better than men. They are pillars and they are keepers.

As a married man, your wife’s resume should speak for her...if she manages the home well, she will help manage your life, time and finances well.

Who finds your missing documents, when you have no idea where you left ‘em? The wifey.

Who do you call, when you can’t find the purple tie that matches your shirt? The wifey.

Who hears, when the baby is crying in the middle of the night? The wifey.

Most men go around like “I don’t need help”...why did you get married then? Your wife is a help meet "And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him" -Genesis 2:18 ...let her fill her role.

I once read an attempt to define the word "meet" which said that it would mean facing from the opposite direction. This would be as a mirror. If a man has a woman standing in front of him looking at him, the view of them both together suddenly becomes a 360 degree view, rather than only a one sided view.

It’s not a competition...stop being egoistic. You be the Captain and let the playmaker do her thing...your life will be better for it. I pray healing for every ailing Marriage in Jesus’ name

Picture credit (c) Connecting Neighborhoods

What's TRUST Got To Do With It?

The word TRUST means firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.

It also means reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety of a person or thing.

The simplest meaning is having confidence in someone or something.
In any relationship, there is always a spoken or unspoken agreement. For example, there is an unspoken agreement that parents will protect and not harm their kids; anytime this power is abused, trust is broken. The Bible says “Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead?” –Luke 11:11 (which talks of an unspoken trust relationship between a father and a child).

In marriage, there is a spoken agreement to stay faithful to your spouse; unfaithfulness breaks the trust. “The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does” 1 Corinthians 7: 3-4

We come to believe we can trust someone and share our lives with them, because they do what they say they are going to do. Because they say what they mean and mean what they say. They have proven they are trustworthy. In any relationship; lies and deceit violate the spoken or unspoken rule of honesty and lead to betrayal of trust.

A lot of people have been wounded, hurt and scarred because someone betrayed their trust…it hurts more when these betrayals are not addressed or the hurting person’s feelings are dismissed, denied or ignored. It makes it hard to trust again. However, we cannot live without trusting anyone…we just need to discern who to trust. “It is impossible to go through life without trust: that is to be imprisoned in the worst cell of all, oneself” –Graham Greene

Trust is to the human relationships what faith is to gospel living. It is the beginning place, the foundation upon which more can be built. Where trust is, love can flourish – Barbara Smith

The truth is…in life, BETRAYAL IS INEVITABLE. Trying to avoid betrayal can cause us to be withdrawn or scared of everyone and everything. It confines us to our ‘safe place’ where we fail to take risks and avail ourselves of opportunities. Ultimately, it deprives us of living like a human. Have you met people that are so paranoid they don’t even trust their own shadows? A lot of people withhold trust as a form of protection…or so they think. Withholding trust hurts more than it protects.

“We are never so vulnerable than when we trust someone – but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy” – Walter Anderson

 I want to zero in on trust in a dating/courtship relationship. Trust is the foundation for building a strong relationship…trusting your partner means you have placed your faith/confidence in him/her. You expect loyalty, respect, honesty, integrity. You expect your partner to keep promises and to stay with you through thick and thin.

How to build Trust in a relationship -
Trust should be earned…don’t be blinded to totally/completely trust someone you just met. The more you know about this person, the clearer it becomes if they should be trusted. “Trust has to be earned, and should come only after the passage of time” –Arthur Ashe

 Give everyone the benefit of the doubt – We all have our baggage, acquired from our past experiences, fears, hurts, wounds, disappointments and we tend to bring them into new relationships. Taking it out on new, seemingly innocent, people. If your past boyfriend was a jerk…don’t assume that the new guy is a jerk as well. If your past girlfriend cheated on you, that does not make all women promiscuous. Trust but verify – Ronald Reagan

Don’t abuse access - What you do with access granted or information shared with you determines if you should be trusted. So he/she shared something with you in confidence and it is already trending within your circle of friends…what would happen to trust if he/she finds out?

Grow up – Know what means something and what doesn’t. The fact that her boss dropped her off does not necessarily mean she is dating him. If you are that paranoid, you may have to deal with your trust issues first before getting in a mature relationship. Have you seen people whose imaginations start running wild the moment they cannot reach their partners on the phone? They start piecing things together, making movies in their minds.  “When I was a child, I talked like a child. I thought like a child. I reasoned like a child. But I have put away my childish ways." - 1 Corinthians 13:11

Learn to reward faithfulness – if they have done well with the little you shared or trusted them with, share more. “Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much” – Luke 16:10

Build Integrity – Do what you say you are going to do, when you say you are going to do it. When your partner knows he/she can trust whatever comes out of your mouth without hesitation, then you are building an unshakable bond. “But let your 'Yes' be 'Yes' and your 'No' be 'No’…” – Matthew 5:37

Apologize/Forgive – Make it a habit. Nobody is perfect and there are times we will mess up. Talk it through with your partner and apologize when you’ve erred. Sincere apology builds trust

Balance – let there be balance between how much both of you share. Trust is not built when only one person shares…the sharing shouldn’t be one-sided. He already knows your Social Security Number but you have no idea what his middle name is. “…Everyone to whom much was given, of him much will be required, and from him to whom they entrusted much, they will demand the more” – Luke 12:48

Show that you are trustworthy – Let your partner know that you have their best interests at heart. The more you do this, the more you appear as someone he/she can count on.

Learn to say NO – know the obligations you cannot fulfill and let your partner know. You cannot do everything all the time…take a stand, don’t take on more than you can handle. It breaks the trust when you don’t deliver.

Don’t be complicated – your partner is not a mind reader.  Don’t leave him/her to wonder or guess what needs to be done or what you really want. Don’t set 'uncommunicated expectations'…they set people up for failure.

Speak Life – speak life into your relationship “Death and life are in the power of the tongue…” Proverbs 18:21. “From the fruit of their lips people enjoy good things…” Proverbs 13:2

Avoid unnecessary secrecy – hiding things that need not be hidden, passwording devices, sneaking out to take calls, using ‘coded words’ when taking calls. Don’t give anyone any reason to start suspecting you…if truly there is nothing to hide, STOP HIDING THINGS. To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved –George McDonald

Reassurance – There are times that events would make trust waver…learn to reassure your partner that all is well and the love is still intact.

Chastity – A relationship that is built on chastity will have less trust issues than a relationship smeared with pre-marital sex. I watched this TV show where a guy came home unannounced and met his girlfriend’s ex in the house. He didn’t see them doing anything but he moved out of the house. After the baby was born and the paternity test proved that he’s the father he was asked why he did not trust the girlfriend. He said he slept with her the day he met her and on that day, she would have slept with anybody. Dear single lady,  If he got it cheap, that’s how much value he’ll place on it.

If you have been burned in the past and find it hard to trust again, you are not alone…it is normal for your heart to want to protect itself from such hurt. Pray to God for guidance, forgive yourself, pick yourself up, learn from your mistakes and learn to trust again. Learn to rebuild trust. The only cure for betrayal is TRUST. Let go of the memories that make it difficult to trust again. “But one thing I do; forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead…’ Philippians 3:13-14

Picture Credit (Jasbindar Singh)