Growing up I loved this song by Glen
Campbell, the chorus went something like:
You got to try a little kindnessYes show a little kindness
Just shine your light for everyone to see
And if you try a little kindness
Then you'll overlook the blindness
Of narrow-minded people on the narrow-minded streets
Kindness is a behavior marked by ethical characteristics, a pleasant disposition, and concern for others. It is known as a virtue, and recognized as a value in many cultures and religions.
Permit me to say this, you can be kind without being a child of God but you cannot be a child of God and not be kind.
Let me share some great quotes on kindness
“Kindness is a language the deaf can hear and the blind can see” – Mark Twain
“Kindness is loving people more than they deserve” – Joseph Joubert
“No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted” - Aesop
“Constant kindness can accomplish much. As the sun makes ice melt, kindness causes misunderstanding, mistrust, and hostility to evaporate” – Albert Schweitzer
“Kindness can turn the bad man’s heart, and fools convert to wise, Make poison into nectar-juice, and friends of enemies“– Bhartrhari
The Bible also talked about kindness
“Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you” Ephesians 4:32
“So as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility…” Colossians 3:12
“Do not let Kindness and Truth leave you; Bind them around your neck, Write them on the tablet of your heart” Proverbs 3:3
The major impediment to kindness is the ‘qualification process’ we tend to run before doing it (I am super guilty of this). Prejudice and kindness cannot run at the same time. Being kind has nothing to do with ‘if the recipient deserves it or not’. Being kind ONLY to someone that deserves it is not kindness, it is reciprocation. Being kind ONLY to someone you know is not kindness…it’s more like entitlement.
There is a radio station here in the Twin Cities that have a monthly program tagged “the drive-thru difference” where listeners are encouraged to do a random act of kindness by paying for the person behind them. A recipient once called in to the station and said “the person in the car ahead of me had paid for my coffee and handed me a note. It was the Drive-Thru Difference note and honestly made my morning. It has been a tough week and an extremely hard morning. I just found out this morning that my grandmother passed on, and this small gesture struck a chord with me. I’m still very emotional. Thank you to the person ahead of me this morning and I will pass this note on in the future”.
Kindness may be just a simple act to the giver but it could mean the whole world to the recipient. A simple word of encouragement could change the mind and save the life of a suicidal person.
Kindness in Marriage/Relationships
Kindness is a deliberate choice that can heal most of the problems we face in our relationships. Being kind, not just in words but also in deeds. Picture these two statements “You’re late! As usual” and “Could you please, try to be on time next time?” they are both reactions to a partner getting late to an event/appointment. However, one has kindness in it…taking the focus off what the person did wrong and instead emphasizing what we would appreciate. No relationship can thrive in an “attack or be attacked” environment. “Kindness doesn’t mean that we don’t express our anger, but the kindness informs how we choose to express the anger. You can throw spears at your partner. Or you can explain why you’re hurt and angry, and that’s the kinder path.” -Julie Gottman
Another way of showing kindness is to share “moments important to your partner”. I am guilty of this as well. I have learned over time that when your spouse shares something with you (no matter how mundane), they are not just commenting…they are requesting a response – a sign of interest or support – hoping to connect, however momentarily, over what they shared. John Gottman called it a bid for emotional connection. If it’s not important to them, they would not have brought it up. This is the rule of thumb, do not turn away from your partner by not responding or by responding nonchalantly and continuing with whatever you were doing (TV, newspaper, games). Do not respond with apparent hostility or by saying things like “What is it this time?” Neglecting small moments of emotional connection slowly erode the foundation of a relationship. Neglect creates a gap between partners and turns to resentment in the one being ignored.
You also show kindness when you criticize less. When someone is always looking for something to criticize, it builds contempt. If you are focused on criticizing your partner, you miss out on the positive things they are doing and you tend to see only negatives (even when they are not there). Giving your partner the silent treatment or a cold shoulder (deliberately ignoring them or responding like a robot) is a way of making them feel worthless and unneeded. It kills the love in a relationship.
Kindness makes your partner feel valued, appreciated, wanted, understood, validated and it builds the relationship. The beautiful thing about kindness is the more someone receives/is shown kindness, the more they will be kind themselves, which gives exponential growth to love in a relationship.
Be generous about your partner’s intentions. Believe the best at all times…remember what we talked about in the LOVE part of this study that it “is ever ready to believe the best of every person…” Don’t play the omniscient, you may know what happened but do you know WHY it happened? The Bible says only God/the Word of God is able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart – Hebrews 4:12. The truth is “Even in relationships where people are frustrated, it’s almost always the case that there are positive things going on and people trying to do the right thing. A lot of times, a partner is trying to do the right thing even if it’s executed poorly. So appreciate the intent” – Ty Tashiro
Kindness goes hand in hand with generosity but buying your partner gifts every now and then is not kindness if you bash them with your words and attitude. Kindness is like a muscle, everyone has it but only the ones that exercise it, keep it in shape. The good news is, it is never too late to start exercising.
The level of kindness or the lack of it, plays an important role in the relationship and where it is headed. Kindness makes it easier to deal with most of the frustrations felt by both partners in a relationship. Kindness can break through pride deadlocks and ego stances or go around them; it can help partners to ‘forgive’. Genuine kindness helps create an environment where mutual trust and goodwill can grow and flourish in the relationship.
Start exercising your ‘kindness muscles’ today and you will see how much improvement it will bring to your relationship.
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