Someone recently responded to my post on candor in marriage with a thought-provoking question:
"What if a person's spouse hates being told they are wrong? Wouldn't that mean, despite the best effort of their partner, they'd always feel hurt no matter how things are said? Should the spouse just refrain from pointing out what's wrong?"
This question struck a chord with me, and it reminded me of a story from my childhood. One of our pastors, newly married at the time, shared a deeply moving experience with my parents.
Early in their marriage, he noticed something unsettling—his wife seemed to be terrified of him. If he raised his voice, even slightly, or expressed any dissatisfaction, she would visibly shake. This troubled him deeply, so one day he sat her down, held her hands gently, and said words that forever changed their relationship:
"I am your husband. I will never hurt you. I am your safe space, and I will never let anyone hurt you."
Hearing this, his wife broke down in tears. Through her sobs, she shared her painful history—years of physical and emotional abuse while growing up as an orphan, living with family members who mistreated her. She carried that trauma into her marriage, bracing for the worst with every interaction.
The pastor realized something profound that day: Before he could address what was wrong in their relationship, he had to first help her heal from the wounds she carried into it. He embarked on a journey of reassurance—constantly reminding her, with words and actions, that she was safe, loved, and valued. Over time, her fear subsided, and their marriage flourished.
This story brings us to a deeper truth about marriage. Candor—the courage to speak honestly—is essential. But honesty must be coupled with wisdom and grace. Sometimes, what looks like resistance to correction isn’t stubbornness; it’s a reaction to deeper wounds. In those moments, our role as spouses isn’t just to communicate truth but to be a source of healing.
Marriage, at its core, is a partnership. And yes, there are seasons where one spouse may need to be the other’s “therapy.” This doesn’t mean fixing them or shouldering burdens we’re not equipped to carry, but it does mean creating a safe space where healing can begin.
If your spouse struggles to hear correction, ask yourself:
Am I approaching them with kindness and patience?
Have I created an environment where they feel safe, even when hard truths are spoken?
Am I focused on building them up rather than tearing them down?
Colossians 4:6 offers wisdom here:
"Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone."
In marriage, grace and truth are not opposites; they are partners. Grace ensures that our words are gentle, and truth ensures that our words are meaningful. Together, they build a foundation where honesty doesn’t hurt—it heals.
So, to answer the question: No, we shouldn’t refrain from pointing out what’s wrong. But we must do so with care, understanding that the goal isn’t to win an argument but to win our spouse’s trust, over and over again.
Because at the end of the day, love isn’t just about being right—it’s about being a safe space.
#DoBetter #LoveBetter #BeBetter
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