Same Recipe, Different Climate: Marriage and the Spice of Adjustment

The first time my sister visited us in the U.S., she wanted to help with cooking while we were at work. That was a nice gesture - until we took the first bite of her rice and chicken sauce. It was spicy. Not the “Oh, this has a kick” kind of spicy, but the “Are you for real?” level of heat that makes you question all your life choices.

My wife burst out laughing because the same thing had happened to her years ago when she visited her sister in London. 

The culprit? Habanero pepper.

Back home in Nigeria, you could toss a handful into your pepper mix, and it would blend beautifully with the dish. But in the Western world, the spice levels are different. That same handful here? A recipe for disaster. My sister had followed the only recipe she had ever known - but in a different climate, it produced unexpected results.

Marriage is a New Climate

This is how many couples start out in marriage. We step in with habits, traditions, and expectations formed in the homes we grew up in. The way we talk, resolve conflicts, express love, handle money, manage chores—it all comes from the “recipe” we’ve always known. But then, we get married, and suddenly, we realize… “We don’t do that here.”

Many conflicts in marriage aren’t about right or wrong but about adjustment. What worked in your family growing up might not work in this new family you’re building. The problem isn’t the person - it’s the climate shift.

The Key Ingredients: Communication, Patience, and Grace

Instead of assuming your way is the only way, take the time to learn your spouse’s “recipe” and adjust together:

• Communicate openly – Don’t wait until things boil over. Talk about your expectations, assumptions, and struggles. “Come now, and let us reason together…” (Isaiah 1:18).
• Be patient with each other – It takes time to unlearn and relearn. Give room for growth. “Love is patient, love is kind…” (1 Corinthians 13:4).
• Extend grace – Not every “spicy moment” is an attack; sometimes, it’s just a difference in upbringing. “Bear with one another and forgive…” (Colossians 3:13).

Marriage is not about whose background wins but about building something new together. If you keep fighting over the past, you’ll never fully embrace the future God is calling you to.

The goal is not to bring in your old recipe unchanged but to adapt it for this new home—so that instead of burning each other, you create a marriage that is seasoned with grace.

“Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.” (Colossians 4:6)

#BeBetter #LoveBetter #DoBetter #MarriageWorks