Silent Marriage Killers: Defensiveness

"I only did that because you..."

"Well, you do the same thing!"
"It's not a big deal, you're overreacting."
"You always find fault with me!"
"There's no pleasing you..."
"I wouldn’t have said that if you hadn’t..."

Sound familiar? 

These are some classic defensive responses in marriage—quick deflections, justifications, or counterattacks when we're called out on something. Instead of acknowledging a mistake, we instinctively shield ourselves, shifting blame or minimizing the issue.

At its core, defensiveness is pride in disguise. It says, "I can't be wrong because my actions made sense to me." It resists correction, making excuses instead of seeking growth. But here's the hard truth: defensiveness stunts intimacy and breeds frustration. It turns a conversation into a courtroom, where both spouses fight to be "right" rather than to be reconciled.

Why do we get defensive?

• Fear of being seen as inadequate?
• Past wounds that make correction feel like rejection?
• A need to control the narrative?
• A need to be in charge?
• Pride that refuses to acknowledge fault?

But in marriage, love calls us higher than self-preservation. James 5:16 reminds us: "Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed." True healing happens when we choose humility over self-justification.

Shifting from Defensiveness to Growth

1. Pause Before Responding – "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." (Proverbs 15:1) Instead of reacting, take a moment to breathe. Is this about proving yourself right or making things right?
2. Acknowledge First, Explain Later – Instead of leading with justification, lead with understanding. "I see how that hurt you. I'm sorry. I didn’t mean it that way, but I understand why it felt that way."
3. Embrace Correction as Refinement, Not Rejection – "Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but whoever hates correction is stupid." (Proverbs 12:1) God uses our spouse to refine us. Every correction is an opportunity to grow in love, patience, and Christlikeness.
4. Focus on Reconciliation, Not Reputation – It’s better to be right with your spouse than to just be "right" in an argument. (Read that again)

A marriage where both spouses refuse defensiveness is a marriage that thrives. Instead of shutting each other down, they build each other up. Instead of arguing to win, they fight for unity. And instead of perfection, they pursue grace.

So next time you feel the urge to defend, remember: "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble." (James 4:6) Choose humility. Choose growth. Choose love.

#BeBetter #LoveBetter #DoBetter #MarriageWorks