God Is Asking: Where Are You?

There are things we tiptoe around in marriage...not because we don’t see them, but because we do. And we’re afraid.

Afraid it’ll lead to a fight.
Afraid we’ll feel ashamed.
Afraid it’ll lead to a discussion we are not ready for
Afraid it'll expose something we’re not ready to fix.

So we simply avoid it.

We avoid talking about the budget, because deep down we know we are not aligned on our spending.
We avoid intimacy, because we haven’t dealt with that past trauma, that wound, that betrayal, that slow build-up of rejection.
We avoid confronting that tone, that sarcasm, that control, that manipulation, because we fear we’ll either be ignored or start World War III 😃.
We avoid prayer together, because we’re not spiritually aligned and don’t want to admit or address it.
We avoid vulnerability, because we don’t want to have to pull the weight of resolution alone.

But here’s the thing about avoidance:
What we avoid doesn’t disappear. It dominates.
Silently. Subtly. Strategically.

What we avoid controls us.
And in marriage, it controls how we speak, how we love, how we fight, how we parent, how we trust, how we choose silence over healing.

It becomes the invisible script behind every “I’m fine.”
It becomes the ghost in the room during sex.
It becomes the reason we’d rather scroll through our phones, in one corner, than sit in the same room.
It becomes the reason we overcompensate with gifts, service, even ministry...because it’s easier than addressing what really needs to be healed.

In Genesis chapter 3, after Adam and Eve sinned, they hid. God comes walking in the garden, asking, “Where are you?” (Genesis 3:9). Not because He didn’t know...but because they didn’t. They were already under the control of what they were trying to avoid.
Shame.
Fear.
Separation.

The same still happens in marriages today. The hiding, the fig leaves, the silent treatment, the surface smiles. And God still walks into our mess and asks, “Where are you?”

Where are you in your marriage?
What are you hiding behind routine, busyness, or “being okay/fine”?

Jesus said in John 8:32, “You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."  But that freedom comes at a cost: you have to face it first. You can’t conquer what you won’t confront.

.......

Here are five common things married folks avoid...and how they end up controlling us:

1. Conflict - Avoiding conflict doesn’t mean peace. It means resentment in disguise. Controlled by unspoken hurts and unresolved tension, we smile while seething inside.

2. Finances - Money is VERY spiritual. When we avoid financial accountability and unity, we often live in silent comparison or control battles...one spouse feels policed, the other feels burdened.

3. Sex & Intimacy - We avoid the real conversation...expectations, rejections, trauma, desires, and settle into duty or drought. And slowly but surely, emotional disconnection follows.

4. Spiritual Leadership - We avoid praying together, submitting to God together, fasting together...because it reveals differences we’d rather not face. But the enemy thrives where there is no unity (Amos 3:3).

5. Past Wounds - We bury trauma and pretend it doesn’t shape or define us...BUT it shapes how we react, withdraw, punish, and protect ourselves from our spouse. Unhealed things in one season become tools of manipulation in the next.

So how do we deal with these things?

1. Courageous Honesty - Yorubas say Ọ̀rọ̀ kìí tóbi, ká f'ọ̀bẹ bùú (we just have to talk about it.) Start talking. Even if your voice shakes. Even if your spouse isn’t there yet. God honors truth.

2. Have Your Safe Space - Create an environment where truth isn’t punished, but processed. Remember, gentleness is not weakness...it’s wisdom (Galatians 6:1).

3. Invite The Maker -  In most countries, when mechanics fail, we take the car to the dealer...the maker. Invite God in...not just in theory, but in that exact place you’ve been avoiding. Ask Him, “Lord, what are we afraid of here? What is this hiding? Reveal it to us. Help us unpack it.”

4. Seek Help - There are issues so deep, professional help may be needed. Therapy, mentors, couples’ studies...whatever you need to walk toward healing, not away from the discomfort of addressing the issue.

......

Avoidance is control in disguise.
But healing is freedom unwrapped.

Marriage is not about perfection—it’s about partnership under God. And sometimes, the most spiritual thing you can do isn’t pray louder. It’s finally saying what you’ve swallowed for years.

It’s not just about talking...It’s about uncovering. Unburdening. Uprooting.

Because healing doesn’t come through avoidance...it comes through light.

The Bible says in Luke 8:17“For nothing is hidden that will not be made manifest, nor is anything secret that will not be known and come to light.” — Luke 8:17

#BeBetter #LoveBetter #DoBetter #MarriageWorks #OpenUp