Love Languages: Are they Innate, Learned, or Inflicted?

I'm sure we've all read/heard about the 5 love languages...but have you ever wondered why we crave love in specific ways? Are love languages wired into us from birth, shaped by what we had growing up, or a response to what we lacked?

Does the one who was starved of affirming words grow up yearning for them, or is it the one who was showered with them that comes to expect love in that form? Do gifts mean more to the child who received them frequently, or to the one who rarely did?

The Bible tells us that "We love because He first loved us" (1 John 4:19). Love is not self-originating; it is modeled, received, and then given. If this is true, then how we receive love—and how we struggle to receive it—might be deeply tied to our experiences.

Nature or Nurture?

Psychologists suggest that love languages are often shaped by childhood experiences. What we lacked may create a longing. What we had may form an expectation. But neither is permanent.

The Word of God shows that love is not merely a function of personality or experience—it is transformational.

• "I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh" (Ezekiel 36:26).
• "Do not be conformed to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind" (Romans 12:2).

God's love REWIRES us. Experiences may shape us, but they do not have to define us permanently.

Are People Set in Their Ways?

Some say, "This is just how I am. My love language is my love language." But in marriage, love is a CALLING to understand, adapt, and grow.
Paul writes: "Love does not insist on its own way" (1 Corinthians 13:5). True love stretches beyond personal preferences.

• If my spouse’s love language is different from mine, do I dismiss it because it is unnatural to me?
• If my love language comes from a place of brokenness, do I allow healing to reshape me?
• Do I love in a way that is convenient, or in a way that is meaningful to the one I claim to love?

Jesus, the ultimate model of love, did not love people in a single, fixed way. 

He spoke words of affirmation ("You are the light of the world" – Matthew 5:14)

He showed acts of service (washing the disciples’ feet – John 13:5) 

He spent quality time (walking with two disciples to Emmaus – Luke 24:13-35)

He gave gifts (the Holy Spirit – John 14:26), and...

He expressed physical touch (John, one of His disciples, rested on His bosom – John 13:23). 

Jesus met people in the way they needed love.

What This Means In Marriage

Marriage is not about how I want to be loved, but how I can love like Christ.

• Love languages may be a reflection of our past, but they should not be a restriction for our future.
• They help us understand, but they should not be an excuse to demand.
• The goal is not to get love the way we prefer, but to learn to love in a way that reflects Jesus.

If love is truly from God, then it is not just what we feel comfortable with—but what we are willing to become.

"Let all that you do be done in love" (1 Corinthians 16:14).

#BeBetter #LoveBetter #DoBetter #MarriageWorks