Breaking the Cycle: Taking Responsibility in Marriage Without Waiting for Your Spouse

One of the most common roadblocks in marriage is the mindset of “Why should I do my part if they aren’t doing theirs?” It’s a thought that subtly creeps in when expectations aren’t met, when efforts feel one-sided, or when past disappointments cloud present choices.

It’s totally human to want fairness, to want reciprocation. But when a husband or wife waits for the other to change before they do, marriage enters a dangerous cycle of stagnation, resentment, and unmet needs.

This mindset often manifests as cross-complaining—the act of countering one concern with another, avoiding personal responsibility, and shifting the focus away from what we ourselves can do to improve the relationship. Instead of asking, "How can I love better?" the default response becomes, "Well, what about them?"

But here’s the hard truth: Marriage isn’t transactional. It’s covenantal. And a covenant calls us to give even when we don’t immediately receive.

Jesus never called us to love based on merit. In fact, His love for us is despite our failures, not because of our worthiness. If we are to mirror Christ in marriage, then we must embrace the principle of personal responsibility in love—choosing to do what is right regardless of whether our spouse is doing the same. We are all familiar with these scriptures:

• “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her.” (Ephesians 5:25)
• “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.” (Ephesians 5:22)
• “Let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” (Ephesians 5:33)

Notice something? Nowhere does it say, "Husbands, love your wives, but only if she is submitting to you." Nor does it say, "Wives, respect your husbands, but only if he is being loving enough." The command stands independent of the other person’s actions.

When we wait for the other to "do better" first, our marriage suffers in several ways:

1. The relationship becomes conditional. Love turns into a bargaining chip rather than a Christlike commitment.
2. Bitterness takes root. The heart hardens as unmet expectations build up, making it harder to act in love.
3. Distance grows. When each person stops pouring into the marriage, intimacy, trust, and connection slowly erode.
4. The enemy gains ground. Satan thrives in division (Mark 3:25). A divided marriage is vulnerable to external attacks, from temptations to emotional disconnect.

But when one person chooses to take responsibility—choosing love, kindness, patience, and selflessness even when it’s not reciprocated—it creates an atmosphere where change is possible.

Love is meant to LEAD, not react. The world’s version of love reacts: "You give, then I’ll give."

God’s version of love leads: "I give because it’s who I’m called to be."

Jesus didn’t wait for us to be lovable before loving us. “While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” (Romans 5:8) If Christ’s love for us had been based on our perfection, we would have been doomed. Yet, He loved first, and His love transformed us.

In marriage, someone has to lead in love. Someone has to decide, "I will love, honor, serve, respect, and cherish—not because my spouse has earned it, but because God has called me to it."

This doesn’t mean tolerating toxic behavior or enabling sin. It means refusing to let someone else’s shortcomings dictate your obedience to God’s design for marriage.

You Can Say "But it’s unfair..."

• Do it unto the Lord. “Whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men.” (Colossians 3:23)
• Sow what you want to reap. “A man reaps what he sows.” (Galatians 6:7) Even if your spouse isn’t responding now, seeds of love and kindness often bear fruit in time.
• Trust God with the results. “Do not grow weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” (Galatians 6:9)

Break the Cycle and Choose to Love

Marriage is not about fairness; it’s about faithfulness. When one person chooses to lead in love, it creates a shift in the relationship. Hearts soften. Conversations change. Healing begins. And even if the other person never changes, you can stand before God knowing you did what He called you to do.

So the next time you’re tempted to say, “What about them?”—pause. Instead, ask, “Lord, what about me? How can I love as You love?”

Because at the end of the day, our obedience is not measured by our spouse’s actions, but by our faithfulness to God’s call. And that’s a love that can change everything.

#BeBetter #LoveBetter #DoBetter #MarriageWorks