Merriam Webster Dictionary defines DOING as the act of performing or executing...while it defines BEING as the quality or state of having existence.
In marriage, there are things to be and things to do. The balance between being a husband or wife and doing the things a husband or wife should do is what makes a marriage thrive.
Many couples, however, get stuck in one side of the equation. Some are so focused on doing—acts of service, provision, parenting, and fulfilling responsibilities—that they lose the essence of being a loving, present, and emotionally connected spouse. Others lean so much into being—the identity of a husband or wife—that they neglect the practical actions that keep a marriage healthy and strong.
There is a CALL to BE
The Bible consistently reminds us that our identity precedes our actions. Before God calls us to do, He calls us to be.
Be kind and compassionate (Ephesians 4:32)
Be humble and gentle (Ephesians 4:2)
Be patient and forgiving (Colossians 3:13)
Be imitators of God, walking in love (Ephesians 5:1-2)
Being a husband or wife means embodying these virtues at the core. A man is not merely a husband because he provides financially; he is a husband because he carries the heart of a husband—loving, protecting, and leading in godliness (Ephesians 5:25). A woman is not merely a wife because she manages the home; she is a wife because she nurtures, respects, and builds up her husband (Proverbs 31:11-12, Ephesians 5:33).
There is a NEED to DO
While being is foundational, doing is necessary. Love is not just a noun; it is also a verb. The Bible does not just describe love; it commands action:
Husbands, love your wives (Ephesians 5:25)
Wives, respect your husbands (Ephesians 5:33)
Bear with one another (Colossians 3:13)
Serve one another humbly in love (Galatians 5:13)
Doing involves the daily choices—serving without keeping score, apologizing first, listening with patience, and speaking with grace. These are not just one-time actions but continuous expressions of commitment.
What Stands In The Way Of Being?
1. Busyness: When we become drowned in schedules and responsibilities, we lose the presence and intimacy needed to be a husband or wife in the truest sense.
2. Bitterness & Unforgiveness: Holding onto past wounds creates walls that prevent true connection. We may still do what’s expected, but our hearts are distant.
3. Identity Crisis: When our identity is tied to roles rather than God’s design, we can lose the heart of who we are meant to be.
What Stands In The Way Of Doing?
1. Emotional Disconnect: With emotional disconnect, it's just a matter of time before the actions begin to fade and we start to see - less kindness, less service, less intentionality.
2. Complacency: In Nigeria, it's called "see finish". When couples grow too comfortable, they may stop putting in the effort to serve and cherish one another.
3. Selfishness: When personal desires take priority over sacrificial love, actions of love diminish.
Jesus embodied this balance of BEING and DOING perfectly. He was the Good Shepherd, and because of who He was, He did—He laid down His life for His sheep (John 10:11). Our marriages must follow the same rhythm: who we are must fuel what we do, and what we do must reinforce who we are.
A thriving marriage is not built on one without the other. We must be in Christ so that we can do in love. When we rest in our God-given roles, the actions of love flow naturally. And when we consistently do the work of love, our hearts become more deeply entwined.
So today, let's ask ourselves:
Am I only doing, but not being?
Am I claiming to be, but neglecting to do?
What do I need to be more intentional about in my marriage?
What do I need to do to reinforce my commitment?
May we all find the harmony between being and doing, walking in love as Christ has called us (Ephesians 5:2).
#BeBetter #LoveBetter #DoBetter #MarriageWorks
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