Red Flags

We do not have to debate the fact that Mike was the bad man in this story…no doubt about that. To know what I am talking about, you can read the story here

But were there things Sandra could have done to stop this from happening?

Were there red flags and caution signs?

Yes! They were everywhere…

When you are driving and you see a CAUTION sign....it simply means SLOW DOWN and BE CAUTIOUS.
Caution signs do not mean you run out of a relationship, they only mean you need to be more alert and careful.

The first red flag in this case was Sandra’s GUT FEELING. Gut feeling is an idiom that means an instinct or intuition; an immediate or basic feeling or reaction without a logical rationale. As Christians, we even have more than ordinary gut feeling…we have the Spirit of God living in us. John 16:13 says “But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all the truth. He will not speak on his own; he will speak only what he hears, and he will tell you what is yet to come”.

Right from the first date, Sandra felt like something was wrong…she felt like there was something about Mike that he was not sharing and this feeling continued till the deed was done. If you are in a relationship and feel like something is amiss, try to find answers. Sandra could have asked more questions…she was asking questions but not those that would unravel the mystery. As a young lady in a relationship, don’t just go with the flow…ask questions if you see things that are not clear about your boyfriend/fiancé. Ask until you feel a ‘release’ in your spirit. There is a reason why God put that ‘mechanism’ in us…it warns us whenever danger lurks.

The 2^nd Red Flag was the fact that Sandra was unknowingly more of a ‘secret lover’ to Mike. Any man you are dating and things are beginning to look serious but would not let you meet his family has some hidden agenda. Even if he has a story of how badly they have treated him and all that…you still need to meet and know his people. If distance and logistics are barriers to meeting them, that shouldn’t stop you from KNOWING them. The truth is, any man that is truly in a serious relationship with you cannot help but talk about you with his folks…the same way you talk about him with your own folks. So if truly Mike had an uncle in Lagos…I’m sorry, the excuse he gave (I don’t like entertaining guests in his house) was not cogent.

The 3^rd Red Flag was the incessant strange calls that ALWAYS had to be taken in isolation. I know that Mike gave some reasons why he had many international calls…they could be true; but when a guy is ALWAYS taking certain calls away from where you are, be careful. If indeed there was nothing to hide, he could have taken some of the calls in front of her…all he had to do was ask her to be quiet. Especially since she supposedly knew what the calls were about. Any man that is truly in a serious relationship with you wants you to know him, his dealings, his successes, his shortcomings and even his fears. If you have a guy that CLAIMS to be in a serious relationship with you but is hiding these things from you, find out why…it could be that he doesn’t trust easily (which can be fixed) or he doesn’t see you in the picture of his future, hence the need to keep them from you.

The 4^th Red Flag was the sudden pestering for sex. Guys generally see dating as investments…emotional, financial and what have you. So, for relationships they consider short-term or one they know is leading nowhere, the return-on-investment is sex. That’s the way they consider ‘not to have lost’ Note: there are exceptions but trust me, I’ve been there, done that.

Ask from ladies that had turbulent relationships…somewhere in the midst of the storm, the guys became more aggressive about sex. In relationships where they chose abstinence, the guys (don’t forget there are exceptions) would all of a sudden decide they were no longer down with that and wanted a taste of the action…in relationships where pre-marital sex was on the table, the guys would want more and would make the relationships all about sex until the final breakup. When a guy suddenly makes it all about sex, be very careful…that is the time to say NO! more than you have ever said it. Don’t allow someone that’s gonna leave anyway; take your chastity as ‘spoils of war’.  “Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous” (Hebrews 13:4)

The 5^th Red Flag was the manipulation. Using “making it official” to get Sandra to finally break her chastity vow. Any guy that is always ‘dangling’ wedding or an engagement ring to get you to do things or to make you go out of your ways to do things you wouldn’t do normally is dangerous. Even if he ends up marrying you, he will always manipulate you using things he knows you want as bargaining tools. “…True love does not insist on its own way…” 1 Corinthians 13:5

Sandra’s greatest undoing was her choice of a relationship counsellor in the person of Ngozi…Agreed that she was just a baby Christian trying to find her foot. She should have sought counsel in a more matured Christian...or she could have talked to someone at her church and they would have been able to point her in the right direction.

Ngozi was being real but not being truthful or one could say she was feeding Sandra her own version of the truth. Be careful where you seek counsel James 3:17 says “But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere”. 

Any counsel that is not pure, peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere is devoid of the wisdom of God. Anyone that advises you against God’s instructions is setting you up for destruction.  

The fact that it worked for Ngozi does not mean it would work for others…

Remember, do not set somebody else’s timer for your oven, run your own race in your own lane. It’s not just about getting married…it goes beyond that.

What else do you think Sandra should/shouldn't have done?