Silent Marriage Killers: Mobilizing a Mob Against Your Spouse

Marriage is a journey of highs and lows, love and conflict, unity and misunderstanding. But one of the most subtle yet dangerous habits that can erode its foundation is the tendency to run to friends and family to build a case against your spouse after a fight.

Saw a video recently - a candid conversation between a husband and wife in a car. The husband asked, "Why do you never complain about me to your friends after we fight?" The wife's response was profound:

"Maybe that’s the reason we are together for so long. It’s not like I’ve never done it before. Actually, it feels good to vent and get people to take your side. But over time, I realized that I was actually hurting both of you. I go to my friends, talk badly about you, and leave a bad image of you in their eyes. Meanwhile, I gather them all on my side. But somehow, you and I always end up fixing things. How would you feel as a friend?"

The husband paused. "Hmmm… betrayed."

And that’s exactly what happens. When we air out our conflicts to friends or family, seeking validation rather than resolution, we subtly betray the sacredness of marriage. We poison the perception others have of our spouse, making them judge someone who was never their enemy to begin with. And then - when the fight is over and love restores the bond - those friends and family are left with lingering bitterness that we, in our emotional moment, planted.

The Bible warns us about this:

• "A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back." (Proverbs 29:11)
• "The one who covers over an offense seeks love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends." (Proverbs 17:9)

Of course, this is not to say we should suffer in silence, especially in cases of emotional abuse, domestic violence, or persistent harm. Seeking wise counsel is biblical (Proverbs 11:14). There is a difference between seeking help and mobilizing a mob.

One is about wisdom. The other is about pride.

Many times, we don’t share to seek godly counsel - we share to be the ‘good guy’ in the story. We’re not looking for healing; we’re looking for an audience that will nod in agreement, reinforcing our feelings while tarnishing the reputation of our spouse.

But marriage is not a courtroom. There are no prosecutors, no jurors, and no closing arguments. It is a covenant...one built on love, forgiveness, and the willingness to keep choosing each other even after disagreement.

The wife in the video ended with these words:

"At the end of the day, the relationship belongs to you and me. Who knows better than you and me in this relationship? So what’s the point of bringing in another person for an opinion?"

What a powerful perspective.

So, the next time conflict arises, pause. Pray. Seek wisdom, not validation. Ask yourself: Am I sharing to heal, or am I sharing to hurt? Because what you say in a moment of frustration may echo in the hearts of those listening long after you and your spouse have made peace.

#BeBetter #LoveBetter #DoBetter #MarriageWorks

There Is No ‘Because’—Obedience Over Justification

A Christian woman once sat across from a preacher, venting her frustration:

"I’ve become mean to my husband... because he has been mean to me for so long."

The preacher’s response was sharp but true:

"Let’s stop at ‘I am mean.’ There is no ‘because.’ God doesn’t care about the ‘because’ when we do not follow His instructions."

That statement cuts deep. How often do we justify our actions with a because?

Saul had a because when he offered the sacrifice Samuel was supposed to offer (1 Samuel 13:8-14).

Adam had a because when he blamed Eve for his disobedience (Genesis 3:12).

We all have a because when we react in ways that contradict God’s Word.

But will God accept it?

Do Not Repay Evil with Evil

"Repay no one evil for evil... If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men. Beloved, do not avenge yourselves..." — Romans 12:17-19

God’s standard for our actions is not determined by how others treat us. His instruction is clear: Do not repay evil with evil. When we react sinfully because someone else sinned first, we are no longer standing in obedience - we are merely mirroring the world.

When a spouse neglects, disrespects, or wounds us, the flesh cries out for justice. The temptation is to retaliate—to give as good (or as bad) as we got. But what does God require?

"Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." — Romans 12:21

This doesn’t mean tolerating abuse or remaining in a harmful situation. But it does mean refusing to let someone else’s wrongdoing pull us into sin. It means choosing obedience over justification.

What Should a Christian Do When Their Spouse Fails?

1. Respond in the Spirit, Not the Flesh - Galatians 5:22-23 reminds us that the fruit of the Spirit includes patience, kindness, and self-control. Reacting in anger or bitterness only feeds division. Instead, ask: How can I honor God in this moment?

2. Confront with Truth, Not Vengeance - Jesus never avoided difficult conversations (Matthew 18:15-17), but He always spoke truth in love. Address the issue with your spouse, but don’t weaponize your words.

3. Pray for Their Transformation, Not Just Their Punishment - It’s easy to pray that God punishes our spouse. It’s harder to pray for their heart, their struggles, and their journey with Christ. Yet, that is what love does (Luke 6:27-28).

4. Set Boundaries, Not Traps - If your spouse’s actions are harming the marriage, biblical wisdom calls for boundaries (Proverbs 4:23). However, boundaries should guide them toward righteousness, not trap them in a cycle of shame and guilt.

No ‘Because’—Just Obedience

When we stand before God, He won’t ask, “But what did your spouse do first?” He will ask if we obeyed His Word.

"If you love me, keep my commands." — John 14:15

There is no ‘because.’ There is only obedience. Will we choose it?

#BeBetter #LoveBetter #DoBetter #MarriageWorks 

Intimacy or Manipulation? The Thin Line in Conflict Resolution

Social media is filled with videos captioned: How I apologize to my husband when he’s mad at me. You’ve probably seen them - wives subtly removing layers under the covers, giving their husbands a very clear invitation, using intimacy as a shortcut to peace.

At first glance, it may seem harmless, even endearing. After all, intimacy is a gift in marriage, a means of connection, of breaking down walls, of reaffirming love. But let’s be honest...there’s a thin line between using intimacy to restore connection and using it to escape accountability.

Sex as a Shortcut to Reconciliation?

Marriage is built on love and commitment, but it thrives on trust and communication. Conflict is natural in any relationship, and how we handle it matters. Intimacy can be a beautiful expression of love and a way to draw near to each other after a difficult moment. But when used as a distraction from genuine repentance, it becomes a tool of avoidance rather than healing.

According to scripture, marriage should be a place of truth Ephesians 4:25 says  "Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully...". Using physical connection to bypass difficult conversations may bring momentary relief, but it does not foster true unity.

The Difference Between Reconnection and Manipulation

The heart behind an action often reveals whether it is reconciliation or manipulation. Consider these questions:

• Is intimacy being used to invite reconnection so that deeper healing can follow?
• Has there been a sincere effort to acknowledge wrongdoing and make amends?
• Does one partner feel obligated to accept intimacy as a replacement for an actual apology?

A biblical approach to conflict doesn’t sweep things under the carpet of orgasms. True love seeks to repair, not just reset. 1 Corinthians 13:6 reminds us that love "does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth." Real connection comes when we walk in honesty, even when it’s uncomfortable.

Accountability: A Sign of Maturity in Marriage

A heart that values the relationship will embrace accountability. It will seek to make things right, not just make things quiet. Apologizing with words, taking responsibility, and genuinely working toward understanding shows a desire for growth. Intimacy is then restored as an overflow of that unity, rather than a Band-Aid/Plaster covering an unresolved issue.

Marriage was never meant to be built on performance-based acceptance. True oneness - spiritually, emotionally, and physically - flourishes when both partners commit to honesty, vulnerability, and accountability. So let’s not confuse reconciliation with evasion. Let’s build marriages where both intimacy and integrity thrive together.

#BeBetter #LoveBetter #DoBetter #MarriageWorks

The Marriage That Won’t Break Down

I remember this story from my childhood—one that didn’t quite make sense then but hits differently now.

Back in Primary School, my dad had this colleague—let’s call him Mr. A.

Mr. A owned a Peugeot 504 GL...back then, that was a car to reckon with. Clean, solid, prestigious. But what stood out wasn’t just the car; it was how Mr. A treated it.

My dad used to tell us, “That man never jokes with his car. At the slightest sound, a rattle, even the tiniest flicker of an unfamiliar light on the dashboard, he’s off to his mechanic.”

Things that other drivers, my dad included, would wave off as irrelevant, Mr. A treated like a full-blown emergency. Where most people would shrug, “Let’s see if it fixes itself,” Mr. A responded, “Let’s fix it before it gets worse.”

And you know what?

Mr. A’s car rarely broke down.

It ran smooth, sounded great, and aged beautifully.

Funny thing—some of his friends bought newer models, but none of them enjoyed their cars the way Mr. A enjoyed his.

Marriage is That Car

Many of us enter marriage treating it like it’s supposed to run perfectly—forever—without regular checks, maintenance, or intentional care.

We wait until things completely fall apart—until the fights are unbearable, until the silence is louder than words, until hearts grow cold—before running around looking for an overhaul.

But the secret?

It’s in the little fixes—the small, consistent, intentional acts that keep the marriage engine running smoothly.

A simple “I’m sorry” before pride has room to fester.

Noticing when your spouse is quiet—and caring enough to ask why.

Paying attention to mood shifts, to body language, to the words not said.

Taking time off autopilot to say, “I see you. I value you.”

Adding oil - appreciation, kindness, service...where things are drying out.

And sometimes, just staying back at the mechanic’s (prayer closet), asking God, “Lord, show me what’s off. Help me fix it before it breaks.”

Because the truth is...no marriage breaks down overnight.

It’s usually negligence, pride, and delayed attention that kills it slowly.

Scriptural Check Engine Light

Proverbs 27:23 says, “Be sure you know the condition of your flocks, give careful attention to your herds.”

Marriage is one of those God-given flocks. You don’t just tend it when it’s dying. You nurture it daily, give careful attention—not because it’s failing, but because it’s precious.

Hebrews 3:13 says, “But encourage one another daily… so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness.”

Daily—because distance creeps in silently. 

Daily—because what you don’t tend, you lose.

The Commitment That Keeps You Going

Loving one's spouse well doesn't need to be dramatic always. Sometimes, it’s as simple as catching the little things...before they grow big enough to break BIG things.

It’s commitment. It’s daily maintenance. It’s protecting what you vowed to build.

And just like Mr. A’s car...your marriage doesn’t have to break down.

It can run smooth, beautiful, heaven-on-earth kind of love...if only you pay attention.

#BeBetter #LoveBetter #DoBetter #MarriageWorks

Same Recipe, Different Climate: Marriage and the Spice of Adjustment

The first time my sister visited us in the U.S., she wanted to help with cooking while we were at work. That was a nice gesture - until we took the first bite of her rice and chicken sauce. It was spicy. Not the “Oh, this has a kick” kind of spicy, but the “Are you for real?” level of heat that makes you question all your life choices.

My wife burst out laughing because the same thing had happened to her years ago when she visited her sister in London. 

The culprit? Habanero pepper.

Back home in Nigeria, you could toss a handful into your pepper mix, and it would blend beautifully with the dish. But in the Western world, the spice levels are different. That same handful here? A recipe for disaster. My sister had followed the only recipe she had ever known - but in a different climate, it produced unexpected results.

Marriage is a New Climate

This is how many couples start out in marriage. We step in with habits, traditions, and expectations formed in the homes we grew up in. The way we talk, resolve conflicts, express love, handle money, manage chores—it all comes from the “recipe” we’ve always known. But then, we get married, and suddenly, we realize… “We don’t do that here.”

Many conflicts in marriage aren’t about right or wrong but about adjustment. What worked in your family growing up might not work in this new family you’re building. The problem isn’t the person - it’s the climate shift.

The Key Ingredients: Communication, Patience, and Grace

Instead of assuming your way is the only way, take the time to learn your spouse’s “recipe” and adjust together:

• Communicate openly – Don’t wait until things boil over. Talk about your expectations, assumptions, and struggles. “Come now, and let us reason together…” (Isaiah 1:18).
• Be patient with each other – It takes time to unlearn and relearn. Give room for growth. “Love is patient, love is kind…” (1 Corinthians 13:4).
• Extend grace – Not every “spicy moment” is an attack; sometimes, it’s just a difference in upbringing. “Bear with one another and forgive…” (Colossians 3:13).

Marriage is not about whose background wins but about building something new together. If you keep fighting over the past, you’ll never fully embrace the future God is calling you to.

The goal is not to bring in your old recipe unchanged but to adapt it for this new home—so that instead of burning each other, you create a marriage that is seasoned with grace.

“Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.” (Colossians 4:6)

#BeBetter #LoveBetter #DoBetter #MarriageWorks

Good Over Nice — Choosing What Lasts in Marriage

A couple days ago, while chatting with my kids, we stumbled on a truth I wish someone had told me earlier in life...and definitely before marriage. The difference between being nice and being good.

See, we often celebrate “nice” in relationships—polite smiles, sweet words, avoiding offense. But nice is not a fruit of the Spirit. Goodness is. (Galatians 5:22-23)

Nice can be driven by fear of conflict, people-pleasing, or temporary comfort. Goodness, however, is rooted in love, fueled by the Spirit, and anchored in truth. It's concerned not just with now—but with eternity.

I told my kids about Michael Jackson’s doctor. The man was nice—giving him what he wanted, easing his pain. But had he chosen to be good, he might have said no, fought harder, and saved his life. Sometimes, nice kills.

And it happens in marriage too.

There are moments when what your spouse wants from you is comfort—a “yes,” a smile, a nod. But what they need is a truth, a hard conversation, a necessary boundary.

It’s nicer to avoid the tough talks about finances, discipline, addiction, or faith. But goodness looks like risking discomfort to pull your marriage toward righteousness.

Proverbs 27:6 says, “Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.” In marriage, sometimes the most faithful thing you can do is wound lovingly—to say, “This path we’re on is not good, and because I love you, I can’t stay silent.”

Goodness says no when it’s easier to say yes.
Goodness confronts when it’s easier to stay quiet.
Goodness corrects when “being nice” might make you complicit.

And the beauty? Goodness is never without love. Because godly goodness doesn’t destroy—it builds. It heals. It protects.

The next time you’re caught between being nice and being good in your marriage, choose what lasts.

Nice makes you likable. Good makes you godly.

#BeBetter #LoveBetter #DoBetter #MarriageWorks 

The Car, The Dress, and The Heart That Hears

I watched a video recently—a man speaking calmly about modesty, marriage, and the quiet responsibility a husband carries.

He made an analogy: “Imagine parking a luxury car in a shady neighborhood, windows down, keys in the ignition—and expecting no vandal. It’s not about the car being expensive or attractive. It’s about knowing the world we live in.”

He wasn’t shouting. He wasn’t blaming. He simply said—“A husband isn’t insecure when he asks his wife to be mindful of how she dresses. He’s invested. And a man protects what he’s invested in.”

Simple, right?
Yet the comment section exploded.
"Why blame us for men who can’t control themselves?"
"So, it’s always the woman’s fault?"
"Teach men to behave!"

Majority heard the words—but didn’t listen to the heart.
Because that’s what many of us do. In marriage. In relationships. In conversations that touch sore spots—we hear enough to react, but rarely listen deep enough to understand.

What if we really listened?

What if we stopped the mental rebuttals and leaned in—not to defend our position, but to understand our partner’s heart?

Because that man, in that video, wasn’t endorsing bad behavior from men. He was simply saying—“We live in a world where some men misbehave. And because I love you, I care about what may expose you to that.”

The Bible says, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” (Ephesians 5:25)
Love protects. Love sees the world as it is, not just as it should be. Love says—“I know what’s out there, and while I trust you, I can’t trust the world with you.”

And wives? The same scripture calls us to submit—not to oppression, but to a love that seeks to cover, to shield, to preserve.
“Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.” (Ephesians 5:22)

But how can submission work if listening is absent?
How can protection feel like love, if every conversation turns into a debate?
How do we build marriages that thrive if we are too busy responding instead of understanding?

There’s a reason James said—
“Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.” (James 1:19 NLT)

Quick to listen. Slow to speak. Slow to anger.
That’s how communication fulfills its purpose. That’s how marriages thrive.

The truth from what the man said?

Being beautiful, feeling sexy, being confident—none of that is wrong.
But hypersexualizing yourself, especially when your covering isn’t there, is unwise. Not because your husband is insecure, but because the world is broken. And it’s not your fault—but wisdom says, “If the lion is loose, don’t go tempting fate just to prove you’re not prey.”

Because marriage is not about proving points. It’s about protecting what you’re building. Together.

So maybe, the next time that conversation comes up, pause.
Listen.
Not to respond, but to understand.

There’s a difference between control and care.
One stifles. The other covers.
And when you truly listen, you’ll know which one your spouse is offering.

#BeBetter #LoveBetter #DoBetter #MarriageWorks

MOTIVATION vs. INSPIRATION IN MARRIAGE — SHOULD I HAVE TO MOTIVATE MY SPOUSE TO DO RIGHT?

Motivation is external. Inspiration is internal.

Motivation pushes you. Inspiration pulls you.

Motivation says, “You have to.” Inspiration says, “I want to.”

Some spouses are inspired to love right, serve right, forgive right, do right...simply because they see it as their reasonable service unto God. They get it. They get that marriage is ministry. They get that loving their spouse well is a reflection of loving God well. So, they don’t need reminders or pep talks; they move from a place of inspiration.

But some...as a matter of fact, many don’t fall into that category. I totally get it, life happens. Feelings fade. Offenses pile. Pride creeps. Hearts grow cold. In such seasons, we just don’t feel inspired, so we need motivation...that extra nudge to do the right thing.

Should I Have to Motivate My Spouse to Do Right?

In a perfect world, no. But we don’t live in a perfect world.

We live in a world where even the strongest hearts need a reminder. Even David, a man after God’s own heart, had to find motivation by “encouraging himself in the Lord” (1 Samuel 30:6).

If David needed motivation, your spouse might too.

And yes—you will too.

Marriage isn’t a contest of who’s more righteous or who gets it first. It’s a covenant of covering...covering each other’s weaknesses until inspiration flows again.

So, the real question isn’t, “Should I have to?” but “Am I willing to?”

Am I willing to love my spouse enough to help them become better, even when they’re not acting right? Am I willing to be the reason they rise, not the reason they shrink further?

How Do I Motivate My Spouse to Be Better?

It’s simple, but it’s HARD: By being better yourself.

“Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives...” (1 Peter 3:1)

It’s not the nagging. Not the sermon. Not the passive-aggressive silence.

It’s your conduct. Your quiet, consistent, Christ-like living.

Men, that goes for us too. “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her...” (Ephesians 5:25)

Motivate by modeling. Inspire by example.

Do it unto the Lord—not because they’re deserving, but because you’re devoted.

But What If Both of Us Need Motivation?

Ah! Two unmotivated people in a marriage is how many couples slowly drift into being just roommates with rings.

Here’s the hard truth: If both of you are waiting on the other to lead, no one ever will.

That’s why marriage needs a third cord—God. “A cord of three strands is not easily broken” (Ecclesiastes 4:12).

When both of you can’t pull, you need Someone stronger anchoring you back to why you said “I do.”

Sometimes, it’s not about who gets inspired first; it’s about who runs back to God first.

Because God is the wellspring of both inspiration and motivation.

“For it is God who works in you both to will and to do of His good pleasure” (Philippians 2:13).

You both need Him. You both need grace. You both need to stop expecting a broken human to fill a God-sized void.

Let me wrao up with this:

Marriage will test your capacity to love when you don’t feel loved.

It will test your ability to give what you’re not getting.

It will test your heart to see if you’re willing to be what you want to see.

Pray. Grow. Be better. Love better. Do better.

Because sometimes, you will be the reason your spouse becomes inspired.

And other times, they’ll be the reason you are.

But together, let your marriage be a place where motivation is seasonal…but inspiration is daily—because it is rooted in God, not in each other.

#BeBetter #LoveBetter #DoBetter #Marriage Works

Monetizing The Sacred.

Na we know Bible pass.

Na we speak in tongues pass.

Na we holy pass.

Na we sabi grammar pass.

Na we know God pass.

Us... Pentecostals.

And yet, somehow…we are the ones doing the most disservice to the Gospel of Jesus.

We want Jesus—with a side of Mammon.

We want the Kingdom of God—but we also need a slice of this earthly kingdom.

We crave the crown—but refuse the cross.

We have commercialized consecration.

Now, it’s about money. Everything is.

People can’t even get God’s attention anymore without attaching a seed to their petition. We pray, but the envelope must go ahead of the incense.

The prosperity gospel—yes, we loved the mother. But now we’re stuck with the children: greed, entitlement, exploitation.

And somehow, the conversation has become—how much should it cost to have a minstrel lead worship?

Is anybody even asking how we got here?

When did worship become a paid gig?

When did singing to the God who gave you the voice become a transaction?

When did leading men into God’s presence start needing a price tag?

Very soon, ushers too will demand honorarium before they stand by the door.

They might as well.

Because this generation has mastered the art of monetizing the sacred.

If Apostle Paul were writing his epistles today, we would’ve published and priced them.

Each letter? A bestseller.

Each correction? A conference.

And the struggling saints who genuinely need help? They’d be told, “Buy the book.”

Where’s the heart of the Master in all this?

Where’s the place for “freely you have received, freely give”? (Matthew 10:8)

Yes, the laborer is worthy of his wages (Luke 10:7), but we’ve twisted that to mean worship is now for sale.

We’ve blurred the line until there’s no line at all.

Jesus was clear—“No one can serve two masters… You cannot serve God and Mammon” (Matthew 6:24).

There’s no middle ground.

Profiting from your gift was never meant to be about money. It was about edifying the body, building the Kingdom, reconciling men to God.

But we’ve become merchants in the temple—selling sacrifices at the altar, forgetting that we are supposed to be the sacrifice.

God help us.

No Plan B — Just Us, God, and This Marriage

Ever wondered what Adam and Eve’s fights must have been like?

Who did Eve run to when she got upset with Adam?
Who did Adam vent to when he felt misunderstood?
There was no “girlfriend” to confide in. No “boys' night out” to cool off. No in-laws, no neighbors, no therapist on standby.

It was just them — and God.

And maybe that’s where many of us are missing it today.

We’ve mastered the art of having escape hatches, emotional safety nets, and plan B’s — just in case this marriage thing gets too hard. We fight like there’s always a couch to sleep on somewhere else. We pull away like someone else is waiting in the wings to give us the attention we crave.

But what if we saw marriage the way God designed it from the beginning — as covenant, not contract?
What if we approached it like there’s no other option beyond fixing this?
What if — like Adam and Eve — it was just us and God?

Genesis 2:24 says, “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.”
It wasn’t just physical — it was emotional, spiritual, and psychological. A we-are-now-one kind of bond.
No third parties. No exit routes.

Imagine how differently we’d handle marital struggles if we believed — truly believed — there was no one else to run to but God, and no one else to fix it with but our spouse.

Maybe we’d listen more and attack less.
Maybe we’d pray more and rant less.
Maybe we’d fight for the marriage — not just in it.

Because the truth is, every marriage has its struggles. Even Adam and Eve — God’s first couple — had theirs. One decision from Eve, one passive moment from Adam, and boom… sin entered. But what’s powerful is this: even after the fall, God didn’t scrap them and start over. He clothed them. He covered them. He worked with what was left.

And that’s what Christian marriage should look like — the consistent willingness to work with what’s left, to fix, to heal, to grow, to stay.

Ecclesiastes 4:12 reminds us: “Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”
It was never meant to be you vs. your spouse — it was always meant to be you, your spouse, and God fighting for your marriage together.

There are truly extreme cases where separation is necessary — abuse, unrepentant adultery, repeated betrayal. This isn’t about those. It’s about the majority of marriages where we bail out too soon because the world tells us there’s always “better” out there.

But what if there isn’t? What if “better” is buried right here… under forgiveness, under understanding, under choosing daily to fix it, rather than fleeing from it?

There’s something powerful about a couple who decides, “It’s just us. There’s no Plan B.”

That’s where intimacy deepens. That’s where trust grows. That’s where love matures beyond the butterflies.

Marriage was never designed with an emergency exit door. It was designed with a God who walks couples through the fire — not around it — and helps them come out stronger.

#BeBetter #LoveBetter #DoBetter #MarriageWorks